Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
