I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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