What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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