sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
