I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
