"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
