Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
