mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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