Hey man sorry I got all grabby
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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