i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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