Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
