He uses pillows to masturbate.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
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Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
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You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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