oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
