i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The feeling are messing with the penis
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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