If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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