So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
