I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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