Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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