I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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