the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
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May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
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You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one