Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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