I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
