Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
