a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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