Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
