just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
