I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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