Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
