I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
