could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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