theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Randomize
