Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
