I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
