my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
