and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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