Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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