So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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