I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
