apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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