you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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