I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
