i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
