My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You ruined the universe
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