you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
