Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
