then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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