You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
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I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize