shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
