Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
