you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
