you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
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If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
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Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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