Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
