im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
