His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
