I wish my penis had an off switch
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
