I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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