This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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