Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
