I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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